


Just Don't Ask Me What It Was

by Miss_Dyana



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 02:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19454899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Dyana/pseuds/Miss_Dyana
Summary: "Veronica only finds out about the nightmares when she starts to stay over at the Neptune grand regularly."





	Just Don't Ask Me What It Was

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place between Season 2 and Season 3. The title is inspired by Suzanne Vega's song "My Name Is Luka".

Veronica only finds out about the nightmares when she starts to stay over at the Neptune grand regularly. The first few nights she sneaked out — well  _ technically _ , her dad hadn’t really said anything, but she doubted he would appreciate her explanation, and in fact, he might even argue that it was common sense that she wasn’t supposed to leave the house without letting him know — nothing happened.

Okay, not  _ nothing _ , but nothing  _ of that sort _ . Otherwise yes, Logan and her are together now after all, and she had never realized she had missed him that much, so they are definitely taking advantage of the time they have together, and they fall asleep in each other’s arms, tired but contented.

There is nothing not to like about those nights. Even when all they do is sleep, because they’re not  _ rabbits _ , she finds the most comfort by his side, with his arm around her and her head on his chest, or with him holding her firmly against him, his head nestled in the crook of her neck.

The first time, she isn’t even sure what wakes her up. There isn’t a sound in the room, and it takes a few seconds for her half-asleep brain to realize that the deep breathing behind her is gone as well. When she turns around, Logan is sitting upright on the bed, one of his hands fisting the sheet, the other one slowly moving away from his face. Everyone has nightmares, and they have been through hell and back recently. She’s had her fair share as well.

There are no words exchanged that night. She grabs his hand, and he starts, then smiles when he sees her. If she was fully capable of thinking, she would wonder where he was right now, that could make him forget his surroundings, but it’s the middle of the night and Veronica doesn’t even really think, she just vaguely acts on instincts. A silent “Are you okay?” passes between them, to which Logan nods, then lays back down, and he sighs when Veronica wraps her arm around him.

They don’t talk about it the next day.

When it happens again, Veronica notices that it’s the shift in the weight on the mattress that stirs her awake. This time as well, there isn’t a sound in the room, but she’s quicker to understand what’s going on. She rolls around, and sure enough, Logan is sitting, his back very straight, just like last time, his mouth almost pushing against the palm of his hand, his fingers pressed on his forehead.

“Logan?” she calls out, and he starts when she speaks, which makes her frown. “Is everything okay?”

He gives her a sheepish smile that she doesn’t like, then slips back under the cover, gently pushing her hair behind her ear before kissing her forehead softly.

“It’s fine, Veronica. Don’t worry about it.”

Her gut is telling her the opposite, plus she doesn’t like getting told what to do, but this is  _ Logan _ . He can probably handle this, and if he doesn’t want her to get involved, she probably shouldn’t, right? She would like him to do her the same curtesy, after all. She mumbles something, just because, and it makes him laugh as he rests his chin on top of her head.

But there’s that unpleasant feeling in her chest, and it never leaves her completely after that.

The third time, again, she doesn’t say anything. She just watches, because she’s awake the second it starts, as her body is learning the signs it needs to recognize to… To do what, exactly? Help Logan? Is she messing up by not doing anything, then?

She certainly feels like it when she watches him almost bite his hand while no sounds are coming from him, not even his breathing, as he holds onto the sheets so hard he’s shaking. After a few long moments, definitely more than it took him when she interrupted him before, he gets up. He doesn’t even glance at her, and it makes her wonder, once more, if the darkness inside are so stifling that he loses sight of what’s actually around him.

While he’s in the bathroom and she can hear loud splashes of water, she realizes.

It’s the third time this week, and she’s starting to doubt that it’s all that new for him.

He smiles at her when he comes back in the room. Not that poor excuse for a smile he gave her on the first night, but a sincere, almost truly happy one. Almost.

“Sorry I woke you up,” he whispers as he lays down next to her again. “Nothing you need to worry about.”

_ Liar _ , she thinks as an ugly feeling wraps itself around her heart. He probably means it, though. He probably doesn’t think that it’s something  _ she _ needs to get involved in, and maybe that annoys her even more. He clearly doesn’t mind her helping him out though, so why now? What’s this about?

The ugly feeling sends a freezing cold in her chest, and she tightens her embrace around him. She wants nothing more than to protect him, but Logan’s already gone through horrible damage, and she hates feeling like there is nothing she can do.

Nothing happens for the next three nights.

On the fourth, she jumps up right as he does, and her arms are around him before she can think. As a result, she hears distinctly the choked sob that escapes his lips when he doesn’t manage to stop himself soon enough. His whole body tenses as though he’s waiting for a reaction, but there’s nothing, nothing but her arms and her soft reassurances, so he  _ melts _ . He buries his head in her neck and he crushes her against him, holding her like his life depends on it — and right now, it feels like it does.

There are a few more sounds that he doesn’t manage to keep hidden. When he pulls back, he doesn’t meet her eyes, giving her that smile yet again, and it breaks her heart. She can’t tell why. There is something like shame there. Maybe fear, too. But what is he so afraid of?

She leaves the bed and comes back with a glass of water. When she walks into the room, he has recomposed himself. He looks defiant, guarded, like he doesn’t know what to expect from her. It’s been quite some time since things have last been like that between them.

He takes the glass, but he doesn’t drink, instead watching her like he’s expecting her to… Again, to do what exactly? To hit him?

Actually, maybe that’s exactly it.

“You’re not okay, Logan,” she says. She wants to bite her tongue at the irritation that seeps in her tone. It has everything to do with her inability to know what to do to help him and nothing to do with him, but she knows she’s made a mistake.

“I told you, Veronica, it’s nothing for you to worry about.” Guarded. Defensive. Those are barriers she normally tears down forcefully, not caring about the pain she causes. It’s not something she wants to do now.

“But I  _ do _ ,” she replies, slowly. “You think I enjoy seeing you like that?”

He glances away, swallows.

“You said you were okay, and you’re not. I just want to  _ know _ , Logan.”

They have been slowly moving towards a place where they talk more. She has tried to be sincere with him, and he has actually been doing a much better job at that so far. She knows that there are places she can’t reach, and truth be told, she doesn’t mind. She has secrets, and due to her job, she knows how important they can be sometimes. But if he’s in pain, it changes everything. If he’s in pain, she wants to destroy the source of that pain, and she can’t do that if she doesn’t know anything about it.

She doesn’t want to think about the possibility that knowing might not help her all that much.

There is a long silence. She knows she should accept that perhaps helping would be not asking questions and holding him, but that’s not how she’s wired. She needs to know so she can evaluate the situation, know how she should react. She looks for the words she could tell him. Maybe saying that she loves him would be the right thing, but even as the words are on the tip of her tongue, she can’t bring herself to let them out.

That’s not something she says. She can’t.

She hates it, and Logan is still not talking, and he’s still not looking at her, and she doesn’t know what to say.

So she doesn’t say anything.

She reaches out for him, making him turn to face her. He’s still defiant, but maybe his walls aren’t as high anymore, because she can see the pain there, burning bright.

She kisses him softly, her hands cradling his face. It’s nothing like the passionate kisses they’re used to sharing. It’s slow, careful, delicate. It feels like he could break under her touch.

When she pulls away, his eyes are closed, and his shoulders have relaxed. She rolls her lips together, unsure of what to do, but he wraps his fingers around her wrists before she can pull away.

“My father hated it when I woke him or my mother up after a nightmare.” He glances at her, and she can’t tell what exactly he’s looking for in her reaction, but Veronica feels her heart sink. “I was really afraid of the dark when I was a kid. So one night, I wake up after a— bad dream, a monster was chasing me or whatever, and I can’t see anything, so I scream, y’know?”  _ The hand _ . “My dad, he had a shoot in the morning or something. So he said that well, if that happened when I slept, then I shouldn’t sleep, right?”

There’s an awkward laugh, and he lets go of her to run his fingers through his hair, then to rub his eyes and wipe his nose. He’s not crying, at least not yet, but pain radiates from him and it breaks her heart.

“So he has me stand outside in the corridor, with him watching. And  _ of course _ I fall asleep, I’m five or six, I can’t take it.” He rubs a spot on the side of his head, under his hair, for a few moments, but he doesn’t say anything. “He wasn’t happy about it. Never mind about the fact that I was  _ bleeding out _ , he wasn’t happy that I’d  _ disobeyed _ .”

He shrugs.

“He always made me choose the belt.”

There is nothing she can say, probably nothing to say, so she does what maybe she should have done from the beginning.

She holds him.

They’re probably both crying, she can’t tell and she doesn’t care. She holds him as close and tightly as she can, hoping everything she doesn’t know how to say is conveyed that way. She curses herself for not knowing about Aaron Echolls despite having known Logan for quite some time, and she curses everyone who knew and did nothing, though, even as Duncan’s face flashes in her mind, she’s aware that there isn’t much children would have been able to do about it.

Still, there was nothing she did then, and there is nothing she can do now, physically do to just get rid of it all, and it’s killing her. She can’t get revenge, she can’t even make it feel like it’s right now. It still feels like Aaron got off easy.

She almost regrets asking, but not quite. Because as horrible as it is, part of her is reassured, happy to know that Logan’s away from all this now, and hopeful that he can get on the way to recovery. Not that she knows for sure this is something he can fully recover from, but she does have hope.

It happens again after this night. Again and again and again. Logan doesn’t tell her, but she makes it better, she does. It’s just not enough. It can’t be. He’s healing, but this is about him. There is something pleasant in seeing her anger and her pain for him, because it means she cares. Because it means she doesn’t think he’s pathetic, and it means she doesn’t think he’s lying.

Some nights he talks some more, some nights he doesn’t. Veronica always listens.

This is a problem she can’t fight, but if this is all he needs from her in those moments, she’s more than happy to give it to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Something I regretted in the show was how little they addressed Logan's past abuse. It was implied, but I felt it should have been discussed some more (especially considering Logan was gaslit by both his sister and his father). Also, considering the episode involving his "brother", I think Logan isn't completely opposed to talking about it, so... Hope you've enjoyed, all feedback is welcome!


End file.
